I've had a few personal issues that I have decided not to include in my blog. But I am learning how to be patient, forgive and not to blame myself for everything that has occurred.
I lost a very good friend in October. Dave Hargrave 23.2.75-17.10.11 or to the twitter folk @roadbikedave
He was amazing, there aren't enough words in the English dictionary to describe the type of person he was, but I'm most certain that Dave would be the one to make such a word up, and then DM me it. Dave's death shook me more then I thought it would. It scared me to know that life can be taken so quickly, without warning. But it also woke me up from my bubble and that was a good thing.
Dave was the happiest person I knew. So full of positivity for everything and always in the mood to spread laughter, love and passion where ever he was. I feel that it is now my job to ensure his life wasn't waisted, so I now and trying to live life like he did. But oh how hard it can be to get there. When tears are easily shed how does one leave all that has happened behind and learn to smile through everything. I guess the answer lies in each day I get out of bed, it becomes easier to smile and to feel the love and support that the new friends in my life give.
The other thing I have Dave to thank for is the most amazing friends that he brought me. Especially Craig and Andrew, the Northern boys with the biggest hearts, who bring a smile to my face everyday, and to Anthony, who has taken over Dave's job of ensuring that I ahve some pleasant DMs to get me through the day.
Dave's passion for the bike and his love for completing some long, strenuous and in my words, crazy fucking rides, has been kept going by people like Paul and Craig, who continuously now enter more Sportives that I know Dave will be riding with them, the entire way, and most likely kick their asses doing it.
I think Dave would be proud to know that we all are living life the best we can, still wearing Assos and still staying far away from Campagnolo.
Another thing that has happened recently is a bit of a twitter feud, a girl who has upset myself and my dear friend. I'm not even sure why it started or why I was so upset by the comments that were being made. But it wasn't just the comments it was the way it was done, like she was going through our followers and then following them herself. It really upset me when a few weeks ago she started retweeting a ride that some friends were trying to arrange for Dave. It felt like nothing was sacred. Like she was trying to pry her way into our lives, our personal ones. And although it was very nice to mention Dave it just felt, well a bit like an intrusion.
I was also the way she kept mentioning things to my friend although it clearly upset her, knowing that she would get a reaction. Well when you poke someone with a sharp stick enough, eventually they will slap you. And then when she had caused that reaction, she would shout that she was being abused and bullied. It is wrong on so many levels, to beat someone down, until eventually they find it almost impossible to get up. Maybe she doesn't even realise the grief she is causing, but then again, maybe, if she would listen, she might realize.
I know I shouldn't let these things upset me, maybe this is when I miss Dave the most, because he would have already left me some meaningful DM something so inspirational that this thing would just roll off me as easy as my tears can fall. But I care about the safety and happiness of my friends so much, that I feel the need to make sure they aren't left feeling upset, depressed or victimised.
It is Dave that I think of at this time. What would he do, or say. How would he react in this situation? Maybe those who loved him have the answers for me. Or maybe not. But I feel like I need this to be over, because I feel that I don't want to make Dave's positive outlook for life a waste. I want to make sure that everyday I do my best to live as positively and happily as I can, to carry on the best gift that Dave could give, to continue to live my life in the moment, the best I can and with plenty of love and laughter.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to write this blog, maybe it was the fact that when I did it meant that I was actually going to really have to say good bye, And maybe it also meant that I was really going to have to start my life, the way it should be lived.
So I will say my final good bye to Dave, thank him for his inspiration, his love and his support.
And I will also say goodbye to the lady who feels it necessary to try and upset me. Because at the end of the day, I think, that's what Dave would have done.